Hunter shortly after birth
| Teagan shortly after birth, illuminated by a photo-therapy light
|
Written by Erica Lathrop
It was our time.
When we finally got the news that we had patiently waited for
after two years of trying that we were pregnant, we were overwhelmed with joy.
Shortly after that, we found out that not only were we lucky enough to be
pregnant with one, but that the world had blessed us with two! Immediately our
minds wandered to picking out names, decorating a nursery, sleepless nights,
family adventures, and little newborn onesies. Little did we know at 27 weeks
and 3 days pregnant when the ultrasound tech got a little quieter and had to
bring the doctor into the room on a routine visit, the rest of our pregnancy
that had been pretty easy thus far, would be turned upside down.
Our every other month appointments to check in on the pregnancy
became every other day and instead of hearing heartbeats and seeing our little
love bugs on the screen we heard words like insufficient & reverse
diastolic flow, IUGR, doppler, and prematurity. Our vision of bringing home two
healthy babies and betting on whether they would be born in February or March
was now overcome with fear while trying to wrap our heads around possibly
giving birth in December or January. We heard "your babies will survive," but
there wasn't any way to guarantee what type of life they would live since they
were going to be born so early. Rather than meeting with our OB to decide on a
birth plan and touring the hospital prior to going into labor- we scheduled a
meeting with the Chief of the Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center Neonatology
Unit to help mentally prepare for the possibility of having 29 week old
premature twins.
So there we sat, stunned. We were whisked away to immediately
get our first round of steroid shots to increase the odds of our babies lungs
developing as much as they could before they needed to be born. We were told to
go home and pack a hospital bag and be prepared to be admitted to the hospital
until birth. And there we were. Our lives were changed. We took a few
days, let that information sink in and decided to figure out how we could keep
these babies on the inside for as long as we were able.
On December 18th 2016, I walked into the hospital at 28 + 6 days
pregnant and it was time.
It was time to start the long journey of bed rest and to focus
on keeping these babies in for as long as we could. The only advice was to
"stay positive, & drink water." So, that is what we decided to
do. Instead of enjoying our last Christmas and New Years as a couple at home
taking in all the excitement of what was to come- we stayed in an 8x10 foot hospital
room, monitored 3 times a day for sometimes up to 2 hours at a time, praying
with all that we had that today wasn't the day, that our babies would be born.
For years we wanted these babies so badly but for now, we wanted nothing more,
but for them to stay in.
Every day we woke up in the hospital was another day that our
little love bugs could grow and develop on the inside. Every time these babies
passed their daily monitoring tests, doctors were shocked. They couldn't
believe that they were fighting on the inside just as much as we were fighting
on the outside. We stayed as positive as we could, all while knowing that the
earlier these babies were born, the higher the risk was for developmental
delays, cerebral palsy, deafness, blindness and more. We chose not to think
about that. We knew the risks, but this was out of our hands, and we chose to
be positive.
January 3rd, 31 weeks pregnant, our doctor came into our room,
held my hand, and said, "it's time, it's time to deliver your
babies." The day we gave birth was supposed to be this joyous occasion of
excitement, and eagerness. Our baby's birth day was filled with fear, guilt,
and uneasiness. We allowed ourselves to take an hour to go back to our hospital
room, have a good cry and attempt to pull It together. It was time to be
strong.
As I got myself into the shower with tears streaming down my
face I gave myself a good pep talk. As I washed my body with surgical soap to
prep for the caesarian section that I didn't have a choice but to have, I told
myself it's time. It's time to be strong for the two little ones that have
worked so hard to grow on the inside. Doctors told us we wouldn't make it past
29 weeks and here we were at 31. It was time to let medical professionals
intervene and take care of them on the outside.
Before my team of delivery & NICU doctors came into the
delivery room, I sat there on the table, with no one other than the doctor that
I was lucky enough to have deliver my babies. Tears welled up as I sat there
looking around thinking about all that was about to happen. She gave me a hug
and asked me how informed I wanted to be during the entire procedure. I told
her I wanted to know exactly what was going on every step of the way. She told
me the risks as I let the tears fall. She told me, "your babies will not cry,
and you need to be prepared for that." I was told these difficult things to
help keep my body from having any panic attacks. Once I gave the "okay," we
began. The room swarmed with 5-6 NICU respiratory therapists, nurses &
doctors for each child, 5-6 delivery doctors for me, and 2 anesthesiologists. I
became numb, both physically and mentally. I was walked through everything that
happened, and as my daughter was born at 3:16PM on a Tuesday, miraculously I
heard the most beautiful cry, and that moment, time stood still. Two minutes
later, my son was brought into the world, and immediately placed on a breathing
machine. Both children were brought to my face so I could give them a kiss and
as of 3:18PM we became mom and dad to 3.5 & 2.5lbs of perfection, with full
heads of hair and a fight like I have never seen before.
And then we were parents.
Not only did we become parents on January 3, 2017- we became a part of a
community. Prior to going through this experience we had no idea what
prematurity was or what it meant. We had no idea that having 31 week old babies
meant long days and nights in a hospital room. It meant spending our maternity
leave driving to and from Boston daily. We also had to learn what was best for
babies at that stage of development. Sometimes all we could do was place a hand
on them, and that was our time together for that day. Taking them in and out of
their incubator was a process. As parents we were we would sit on a chair,
helpless as we watched the NICU nurses ever so carefully take them out of their
isolate, while making sure all of the wires they were hooked up to were
attached appropriately and hand them to us. There were many days that
progressed forward nicely, there were many days that they took two steps back.
There were many hard days where we tried to hold back the tears of
disappointment that we weren't getting to experience the birth of our children
naturally, but then there came a time where we learned acceptance that this was
the best path for us. Our babies best chance of life was to be taken care of on
the outside rather than in. It was time to accept our place as a NICU
parent.
Once we embraced the joy of becoming NICU parents, we were able
to realize so many of the positives that came from it. Yes, we experienced all
of our babies first milestones in the confines of a hospital room. They gave us
their first smile, they recognized our voices, they followed us with their
eyes, they took their first bath, they had their first experience breast
feeding & bottle feeding, they had their first swaddle, and they tried on
their first outfits! We also were able to celebrate milestones that
only NICU babies get to celebrate: their first time off CPAP,
their first day off 02, their first time they came off their nasal cannula, the
first time they took their NG tube out. We celebrated poops, and respiratory
stats daily. We celebrated getting through a night without a SPELL and gaining
weight. A "SPELL" is when your baby forgets to breathe because the brain stem
is not fully developed. We celebrated the day that we no longer needed
respiratory support doctors in our room. We learned how to change diapers, give
baths, feed, handle the children, and took advice from nurses who have been
doing this for decades. We had built in babysitters for the first few months of
our babies lives. We knew it was going to be challenging when we were
given the "okay" to leave, but we knew nothing would be more challenging than
the mental & physical challenge of being a NICU parent. Not only is it
physically demanding, but learning to handle the mental toll of being a NICU
parent was the hardest thing we have ever had to go through in our entire
lives.
April 10th, 2017 it was finally time to say goodbye.
Leaving the NICU was an experience I will never forget. It was hard to leave
the staff that became our family. It was hard to leave the place we called our
second home for 97 days. However, the first time I was able to take our son
& daughter out of the room they called home for so long, was one of the
most emotional days I have ever experienced. They were no longer attached to
the wall. They could experience the outside, the sun, the air and most
importantly their new home.
After 25 days in antepartum and 97 days in the NICU, it was time
to start our journey as a family at home. This experience wasn't what we
imagined it would be, and wasn't at all what we wanted, but it was the hand we
were given and we now have a story that is ours, that we can share, and that we
can look back on for years. Every NICU
journey is different, and we are so very blessed and lucky that out of all of
the highs and lows of our experience, we have the most incredible, amazing and
inspiring children out of it. We didn't get to experience a third trimester, a
maternity shoot, or buy those newborn onesies we dreamed about, but we did get
to take advantage of the best form of care for our babies as possible. Although
the road was different, we still got to put our dream nursery together, we
still got to pick our names, we are still planning many family adventures, and instead
of newborn onesies, we are enjoying outfits in size 0-3. Not a day goes by when
I don't stop and take a minute to think about the road we came from, the road
we are on now, and the path we will choose to take in the future and all of it
is because of the experience we had at the Beth Israel Deaconess Medical
Center. This hospital, and their staff gave us faith and hope on the toughest
of days, and literally saved our children's lives. There won't ever be words
that could possibly express the gratitude we have for the BIDMC, and we look
forward to reuniting Hunter & Teagan to the doctors and nurses that we have
all come to love.
For now, it's time. It's time to start our next story. It's time
to enjoy the smiles, the giggles, the hugs, the tears, the milestones, and the new
adventures. I look back fondly on our
obstacles, and it has changed me for the better. Looking at these two faces,
makes it hard to believe we went through what we did, but it also reminds me of
the strength I was able to find on the darkest of days. We prayed every day of
those long 97 days in the NICU that our babies would grow and gain weight, but
now that we are all home and under one roof, I pray that time slows down. I
want to cherish all of these moments because this is my time. This is our time.
This is our story.